Pro Life Speech

(Walks out on stage and waves)

"Good evening my fellow Republicans! I come before you on this stage tonight to discuss an issue that really hits close to home for me, something that violates my principles as a Catholic, contradicts my values as an American, and frankly disturbs my natural instincts as a human being. This issue is the tragic and unsettling fact that each day, about 3,500 babies have their births cancelled, their lives rejected forever. I call it murder, some call it 'health care', but the term that's accepted by everyone is abortion. Yes abortion, the planned homicide in the womb, is why I am here tonight, addressing you as one of the lucky ones, whose mother decided not to practice her 'reproductive rights.'"

(Claps)

"In fact, we're all survivors, and each of us should go home tonight and call our mothers, thanking them for giving us a chance. You see, 800,000 children in our country every year aren't given a chance! They'll never take a breath outside the womb. They'll never see the world. They'll never talk. Never laugh. Never crawl. Never walk. They won't go to their senior prom with the girl or guy of the dreams, or attend Harvard Law, or get married and have kids of their own… all because their mother decided to cancel their life, saying 'thanks but no thanks' to the greatest gift God can give a woman. Although some people don't consider a gift; according to President Barack Obama, I quote 'If my daughters make a mistake, I don't want them to be punished with a baby.' Punishment. That's what some people consider life. Of course, their central argument is that it all comes down to the woman's choice. After all, why should she pay the price of her mistake? I'll tell you why: because sex comes with a price tag!"

(Obviously there would be overwhelming cheers)

"But it all fairness, it is their body, and God forbid they should have a terrible figure for up to nine months! No, no I don't think it's about the woman's body. In fact, I'm pretty confident that it's about the baby's body, isn't it? Do you agree?"

(YEAH!)

"Well there are problems other than their figures. Some people don't have the time to raise a baby, and it's not like there's some magical place that will take in unwanted or un-cared for children where'd they be provided food and safety… But let's say adoption didn't exist. Well, a working single mom would have to constantly be changing diapers! By the way, that reminds me of an old saying, 'Diapers are disposable, babies are not!' Not everyone agrees with that statement, unfortunately. Some feel passionately that if we don't provide a means of disposing of unwanted children then we would be limiting women's rights. Actually that's an understatement; what they believe is that we hate women! In fact, when people like Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Kelly Ayotte, and Sarah Palin stand up for life, they're just waging a 'War on Women'! Because honestly, what other motive could someone have for being pro-life than simply wanting to take away women's rights? Specifically, they refer to 'reproductive rights,' which I'm pretty sure is as made up as the invisible 'right to abortion' in the Constitution…"

(Laughs then cheers)

"'Reproductive rights.' What is it with these weird euphemisms? Looks to me like they're doing everything they can to not reproduce! Even going so far to have sex, which is a process created for reproducing, and then declaring that a child is the last thing that they want!'"

(Cheers)

"There is hope, however. Polls show that our fellow Americans are shifting to our side. In recent years, the number of pro-life Americans has grown, including those who want abortion banned in every scenario. I also saw another interesting statistic: it turns out that 10/10 babies prefer life!"

(Wild applause)

"Who would have guessed? 'I'm pro-choice,' said no baby ever.

(Laughs)

"I just can't figure it out! How could anyone live with themselves being in favor of abortion? Especially when we hear every day about the women who can't sleep at night because of their past choice to end their baby's life? Over 90 percent of women who terminate their pregnancies regret it. 90 percent. So tell me again how pro-choice politicians are on the side of the woman!"

(More cheers, this guy is killing it!)

"So you see, we should not only pray for the little ones who are brought into the clinic to die but also the women who leave alive but are scarred and haunted every single night. How can anyone tolerate this? We may shake our heads not but unless we are on the front lines every day fighting for the right to live we are doing nothing, and are therefore part of the problem! It's time for us to stand up for what we know is right and defend those who cannot defend themselves! To fight all the little ones watching over us now, cringing every time they see another child be forced into the same fate they were! I fight for them because like them every time I think about innocent babies being killed my heart weeps for them!"

(The crowd goes nuts)

"Thank you so much! God bless you and God bless all of America, the born and unborn!"